Alternate Chapter 14 for The Quibbler
by churu
Summary: This was taken out of The Quibbler FMA/HP crossover because the ending was complete crack. Some people wanted to read it, though, so here it is! Enjoy!


Chapter 14—Listen to the Worlimegs

Two seconds. That was all it took. Two measly little seconds. One second Dean was laughing, the next he was lying on the floor. One minute all was well, the next—well, not so much.

BANG!

The door to Dean's apartment flew open. Ed whirled to face the assailants, anger and shock evident on his face. They killed Dean! How could they!

"_Expeliarmus!_"

"_Expeliarmus_!"

Luna was running into the living room from the kitchen and was hit twice with red light. Ed roared as she was lifted off the ground from the force of the spell and crashed into the wall. Dean! Luna! Ed's hands were already in his pockets when he felt a small prick on the side of his neck.

"Do it and I'll blow your head off," said a female voice of a witch with her wand at his neck.

Ed took his hands out of his pockets. They were coated in silver powder. If he could just find time to clap—

"_Scourgify_." The assailants all wore dark hooded cloaks rimmed in white and Ed couldn't see their faces, but this was a male's voice. "_Sapius antimotor_."

Ed could feel his muscles seizing up and felt a deadening in his metal limbs. Ah. So they had learned something from the last time.

One of the others that hadn't spoken yet Petrified Luna as she struggled to get to her feet. The other walked over to Dean and turned over his lifeless body.

"Note, I think we may have used too much cream of doxy tongues in the tracking set-up," he said conversationally.

The woman behind Ed peered over his head. Which was annoying. Why the heck was he so short?! "Shoot. I told you we put too much in."

The man named Note put his hood down, and Ed was finally able to see the man that seemed to be in charge of his second—or was it his third?—capture.

_Great,_ thought Ed, _if he turns out to BE like Colonel Mustang as well as LOOK like him, then this whole thing is really going to suck._

Not that it didn't already.

Note's de-cloaking seemed to be a cue for the rest of them. There were two other men, one with blonde hair the other with brown. They had rather non-descript, easily forgettable faces. The wand was removed from Ed's neck and a red-haired woman stepped out from behind Ed. She was quite pretty, Ed noted, but seemed to have a sort of professional air about her. The fact that she _wasn't _wearing high heels gave him a big heads up that she meant business.

"Charlotte, did you bring the antidote?" Wait. Antidote? Then Dean was just poisoned, he wasn't dead?

"I have it right here."

Ed watched as she pulled a small bottle full of red liquid out of her cloak. Note tipped the bottle slightly over Dean's open mouth. A drop fell onto his lips and slowly ran into his mouth. Dean swallowed and Ed would have sighed in relief if he could have.

"_Petrificus totalus_."

Shoot. Dean was Ed's last hope for getting out. These wizards seemed to know what they were doing a lot better than the last batch.

Note stood up and gave the red liquid back to Charlotte. He turned, and Ed braced himself.

"You're the Fullmetal Alchemist." Ed was glad his face was frozen, otherwise his jaw would have dropped to the floor.

"Unfreeze his face, Charlotte."

"Yes, sir." Charlotte muttered a spell and feeling rushed back into Ed's face.

"How do you know who I am?" Ed demanded.

Note sat on the couch and Ed's eyes followed him. "My name is Howard Note and I'm the head of the Office of Passage. These are my co-workers, Bill Williamson and Tom Hatch, and our secretary, Charlotte Troffs. We're here to help."

Ed snorted. "Yeah, right. Attacking us really makes me feel 'helped.' Besides, what's the Office of Passage?"

"The Office of Passage deals with traveling between worlds, finding Gates to other worlds, finding out information about different universes, and trying to find ways to get between them."

Ed's breath caught in his throat. "Have you found any ways to get between universes?"

Note grinned. "I'm the one asking the questions, Fullmetal. The first thing I want to know is how you came to be here."

Ed clamped his mouth shut. Unless forced to by that stupid truth potion, there was no way he was going to tell these wizards anything about anything. He could feel Dean's and Luna's eyes on him. He wouldn't let them down.

Bill sat beside his boss and pulled out a few file folders from his cloak. "Why don't we start with what we already know so you don't tell us that stuff. We already know your real name is Edward Elric. You are known as the Fullmetal Alchemist and have been getting more well known as the People's Alchemist. Your mother died when you were very young of an undisclosed sickness. Your brother's name is Alphonse Elric. He is younger than you. The both of you are very good at alchemy. You became a state alchemist so you could have access to the state library and could research on the Philosopher's stone."

Ed's eyes widened. How did they know all this?

Bill continued, "The reason for this research is unknown, but it is thought that it has something to do with the reason your brother always wears armor and why you have metal limbs. Oh, and the metal limbs were made by your childhood neighbors, the Rockbells."

The room was silent. Ed looked at the battered file folder in Bill's hand. How? How did they know all that? This world wasn't his, this _universe_ wasn't his, and yet they knew almost as much about him as everyone in his old world did. How? He looked at Note.

"Well, it seems you know pretty much everything. I don't have anything else to tell you." Ed was glad his voice didn't shake.

Note smiled, and Ed was reminded of Colonel Mustang when he was about to try to weasel information out of someone. " 'Pretty much everything,' Ed. Not everything. So answer my question. How did you get here?"

Ed glared at him. "I don't know—how did _you_ get here?"

Note raised an eyebrow coolly, but Ed was sensing some annoyance. Good. "I'll ask again: How did you get here?"

"Well, this guy came up to me and offered to sell me a watch from inside his coat, but when he opened his coat he was completely naked and I was so traumatized by the experience I passed out and when I came to I was lying in a field full of wild Yartinokies."

"That's not cute, Fullmetal."

"I know you're not, but what am I?"

"I don't know—seven?"

Ed clenched his teeth. "Don't call me short."

"But I didn't call you…" Note grinned. Evilly. "Bill, add that to the file. He doesn't like being called short."

Bill laughed and created a piece of parchment and a quill out of thin air. "The…Fullmetal…Alchemist…doesn't…like…being…called…short." He spoke as he scribbled the information.

Ed glared. They were just goading him. They didn't matter. Not at all. Show them you're better than they are. Breathe. In. Out. Calm.

"Shortie," muttered Tom.

That was it. Ed was about to explode when Charlotte interjected.

"Shut up, all of you." She turned to Ed. "Sorry about that, Edward. Despite the way my idiotic colleagues have been acting, we really do want to help you. We'd like to help you get back to your world, but in order for us to do that we need to know how you got here."

Ed grinned at the pretty red-head. "Call me Ed, please."

She smiled back. "Of course, Ed. Now, will you let us help you?"

"Please do," said Tom. "We haven't had this much to do since Bill thought he found the Bearer of the Subtle Knife at a muggle Renaissance Festival in Maine."

"Shut up, Tom," said Bill. "He was missing the right fingers!"

"Yeah," said Note sarcastically, "_nobody_ besides the Bearer of the Subtle Knife can be missing a few fingers."

At which point Ed got completely confused and Luna burst out laughing harder than Ed had ever heard or seen. So, the petrifying curse had worn off, had it?

"That's funny!" exclaimed Luna. She got to her feet. "Ed, Ed, I think we should listen to them. The Worlimeg Rosa gave me isn't going off, so it means we can trust them!"

Ed sighed. "Luna…"

She looked at him and smiled innocently. "Mmhmm?"

It would probably be useless to try to explain to her that sometimes you didn't want to put all of your faith in a possibly made-up creature. "Fine." Just because he agreed to it didn't mean that he would trust them.

"Wonderful." Note held out his hand to Ed. "I look forward to working with you."

There was a pause.

"You know, even if you don't like me you should at least shake my hand."

"You know, I would, except there's this spell on me that's preventing me from moving." Ed's tone didn't need to add the implied 'idiot' at the end.

"Ah. Charlotte, would you do the honors?"

Charlotte unfroze Ed and Dean, and the two boys reluctantly shook Note's hand.

"And now we're all friends!" said Luna happily.

"Right," said Ed.

"Right," said Dean.

And they exchanged a glance that anything but agreed.

* * *

"So, how did you get here?"

Ed growled under his breath. Note hadn't dropped the question even though they were all sprawled in his apartment. Dean's wasn't really conducive to getting acquainted—it was too small and too dirty. Note's was marginally cleaner, but that was only because he had room to spread his junk around.

"I'd like to know too, Ed." Ed looked over at Luna, who had her Spectrespecs dangling around her neck and a yogurt spoon dangling from her mouth. Ed felt his insides start to melt the same way they always did when Al tried to sneak a kitten home. He sighed. He really should have let Al keep at least one.

"I transmutated myself here."

Silence, broken by Tom. "You're kidding, right?"

Ed shook his head.

Note seemed puzzled. "But why? From all of what I've heard, your world seemed fine. A little war-torn, but then so is this one. Why did you want to come here?"

Ed looked away from the quizzical looks. "I didn't want to come here. I didn't even know where I was going. But I had to."

"Why?" asked Note.

Ed looked at him, stone faced. "That's really none of your business."

"But it might help! Every detail is crucial when trying to construct an inter-world portal!"

"I think you should drop it," said Luna. Which surprised everyone, including Ed. She was the only one he had told his entire story to, and evidently she understood that she needed to keep that confidential. Ed felt suddenly grateful to whatever had landed him in Luna's mother's cemetery.

"Why didn't you just transmutate yourself back, then?" asked Charlotte.

"Transmutation doesn't work the same here. I have to use this powder, and there's interference from your magic. I would need a completely different circle, and I don't know what that is."

Dean placed the pictures they had found in front of the members of the Office of Passage. "We think if we can find some Crumple-Horned Snorkacks they might be able to help. We found these in relation to them and we think that if we find enough things like this we may be able put them together and create a different transmutation circle in order to get Ed home."

Note looked at the pictures. "This is really good stuff, guys."

Dean nodded. "The only problem is we don't know exactly what and how to put them together. If we could find the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks they would be able to tell us, but we don't know where to find them."

"Hmm." Note rubbed his chin. He looked at his coworkers. "Do we have any leads on their location?"

"No, sir," replied Charlotte. "There were a few leads a while back in relation to the Bermuda Triangle, but nothing was ever discovered."

Tom raised his hand. Note rolled his eyes. "Yes, Tom?"

"They could try summoning a Mayriesoo."

Luna gasped. Note looked thoughtful. Bill grunted. Charlotte looked annoyed. Dean and Ed exchanged a confused glance. "What's a Mary Sue?" asked Ed.

"Not a Mary Sue, a Mayriesoo," responded Luna. "They're actually muggle humans that have a hidden power of some sort that has an express purpose. The only problem is you have to find the right one for what you need." She turned to Note. "Do you really think we could get one?"

Note nodded. "We have the right ingredients here, I guess we could get one if we needed to. I wouldn't recommend it, though. Sometimes they can be a little hard to get rid of, especially if you get an angsty one."

"I don't think we have much of a choice," said Bill.

"What do we need?" Charlotte was all business.

"Just a few basics. There should be a kit in the closet. And bring the box next to it." As Note spoke Charlotte moved to get the necessary things.

Note turned to the younger ones. Ed was still a little confused as to what a Mayriesoo was, and why it was bad to get an angsty one. What was angst, exactly?

"Alright. We need to set the proper mood. Dean, can you get some candles from the second drawer on the left in the kitchen next to the stove? Luna, I need a forest illusion. Can you do that?" Luna nodded. "Good. Oh, thank you Charlotte. Ed…we'll need a circle that looks like this."

Ed took a quick glance at the circle and grabbed a piece of chalk. The circle wasn't difficult, but it definitely wasn't a transmutation circle. It had swirly bits and random blobby shapes, not clean corners and understandable symbols.

"And these." Ed finished drawing and looked up. Note was holding…a dress?

"What are those?"

"We're going to be elves," said Note. "Mayriesoos tend to react better if they think they're in another realm entirely different from their own. Elves tend to work best. Something about the ears, I think."

Ed grabbed a less dressy-looking thing and quickly hopped into the bathroom to change. When he came out he was dressed in a green tunic with grey-green leggings. They were too big. Everyone else had changed as well. Ed walked over to stand by Dean.

"Doesn't this just suck?" Dean didn't respond. Ed looked up at him. "Dean?"

Dean shook his head as though to rid it of cobwebs and looked down. "Hmm?"

Ed looked over where Dean had been looking. At…Luna?

Nah.

"Are we all ready?" Note shoved his dark hair out of his eyes. The rest nodded. "Alright…

"_From the corners of this great earth_

_Of all of whom their mothers gave birth_

_We call thee forth, of power and grace_

_To come unto this hallowed place_

_Aid us with thy wisdom and power,_

_Mayriesoo, this very hour!_"

The candles blazed higher, brighter. The circle glowed bright green. A figure was suddenly seen in the center. And suddenly, a noise was heard. Long and high-pitched, it kept going and going and going…

"What is that noise?" asked Ed. Note looked grim.

"Just our luck," said Bill.

"What is it?" asked Dean. "Did we summon the right thing?"

"Oh, we summoned the right thing alright," said Tom.

"It's just rather unfortunate that this is the thing we summoned," said Luna.

"What did we summon?" asked Ed.

"A fangirl," sighed Charlotte.

"An _American_ fangirl," said Note.

"_Kawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!_" screeched the Mayriesoo.

* * *

You have NO idea how much fun it was to write that last part. I hope you had at least half as much fun reading it. Which is probably why I'm writing it right now when I should be doing homework.

Ah, the love I have for my reviewers grows with each chapter. Love you guys! Thanks sooooooo much!

churu


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